afflatus (...creative impulse, inspiration...)

Martyr

Dear A,

I am sad. You took a risk, fighting for what you believe, going against what they said should be, and then they removed you.

I am devastated. What you did was right. But it was not to their liking. So they quashed you.

Integrity has a price to pay...

You knew it would be perilous. Yet you stuck to your guns. You'd had similar consequence before. Yet you did not waver. You were nervous but you stayed courageous.

Despite instructions from the powers that be to the contrary, you exercised your leadership to go against the grain. For that I respect you.

I do not know how you were able to muster your strength. But I guess that just sticking to your principles was the simple approach you took to weather the storm. For that I am awed.

Your way of battling did not have to be forceful. You won the day with grace and reason. For that I am grateful to learn from you.

I am appalled that they sacrificed you for that. I am ashamed that they halted you in midstream. I wish you didn't have to go. But I accept it. I get over it.

I know that you live on. You move on. There are other battles to fight. You stay with principles. You stay poweful. I pray so.

I am inspired by you.

Luv always,
Afflatus.

Part of the song "Shahid" - a forthcoming single by TuLanG

From His house

Pics: physical transformation...

I am back from His House.

I had gone with no judgements, no expectations.

I observed and faced what I observed and faced  --  the differences of others' behaviours and practices, the tests, trials of performing the rituals and just being in unfamiliar yet holy surroundings --  and I accepted them all. I stayed cool in the physical heat of the desert weather.

I experienced what I experienced, not knowing earlier what I would get -- and I got a lot by doing the rituals in His house and by immersing myself in all the history and holiness of the land.

I felt closer and closer to Him as Day One of being in His house went on to Day Seven. After Day One's first umrah ritual, the mark was giving up most of my hair, signifying a wish for enlightenment. By Day Seven's completion of the umrah ritual for the seventh time, I gave up all my hair to signify seeking total enlightenment.

Seeing and touching the physical grandeur of His house gave the intense realization of smallness of this mere mortal, especially after getting to kiss the Black Stone from the beyond  --  I keep the handkerchief to remember the emotions that went with this servant's feeling that one night.

Completing the ritual a seventh time was accompanied by another handkerchief on Night Seven.

I travelled Day Eight from His house in Makkah to the mosque of the Messenger (peace be upon him) in Madinah.

By Day Ten and Eleven, I twice paid homage and wished my salam at the tomb of the Messenger (peace be upon him) in his mosque. The first handkerchief came back to work as I engrossed myself in The Sacred Garden (Rawdah), also in this mosque.

In Madinah, too, as in Makkah, visiting or passing by the mosques, mountains and sites the Prophet had been through brought me back more than 1400 years into solemn history.

A visit to the site for Stoning of the Devil gave me a glimpse of another ritual I will go back to do when I undertake the full pilgrimage (Haj), which I shall surely now undertake in the near future.

I know that this passage I just took is part of a longer journey for me. I may or may not eventually get the enlightenment I wish for in my life time, but I feel now that I am well on my way.

As I took to the sky leaving Madinah for home on Day Twelve, the first handkerchief was in my face again, feeling grateful to Him for His invitation which I have fulfilled, and looking forward to His invitation to go back to now my two favourite cities in this world.

The Great Gig In The Sky by Pink Floyd

To His house...

In a week's time, I'll be at His house.

It does not matter that it has taken till now that I am making the passage for the first time, but it feels special.

Ever since I made the decision and invited Cin and Mum to be with me at the Holy Land, I have been feeling a glow of happiness. A friend said it is because I have accepted His invitation.

I go simply knowing just that -- it is His invitation -- so I go, with no expectation. I go zero. I go clean. I go.

I go as self, but I do not claim to know self.

I go physically, but it is not just physical.

Astral Weeks by Van Morrison

Spot me!

Click photos for full size. I was 8 in the first photo, 12 in the second.

Spot me!

Breaking up...

Yesterday. Fidgety. Restless. Not productive. Pain. Said I could not bear it. After 4 days, this wretch faltered. I did it. Felt high.

*%#K...! Went to my usual neighbourhood clinic. Pleaded with the doctor to help -- I don't want to suffer so much this time! She wanted to give something strong to relieve me but because of childhood asthma she gave me something else to take every night. Also asked me to get another thing from the pharmacy, which I did, with Cin later.

The pill I took at 8:00 PM as instructed knocked me out early -- I slept for 9 hours.

It's like breaking up -- so hard to do.

Now I have from the pharmacy something to help -- nicotine gum.

*%#K...!

I can do this!

The Reason by Hoobastank

Appreciating Mum

"Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till its gone..."
-- Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell

So that I do know what I've got, I paid Mum this special tribute:

"Mum, thank you for giving birth to me, thank you for raising me. When I needed to go to school and I was staying with Grandma and Grandpa, thank you for coming to see me every now and then and taking us back for school holidays.

I love you. When you were in hospital last week, I was crying on two nights, fearing that I'd lose you, 'cos the doctors suspected cancer. When the doctors said it wasn't cancer, I was so relieved!

Mum, please be strong, please be well. I don't want to lose you. Please don't go yet. I have not had enough of you. Please be strong. Please make yourself strong. Please exercise and take your medication. If you keep strong, we can go together to do the Umrah. Can you do that, Mum?"

"Yes," she answered.

This was on Sunday evening during the graduation of a 3-day training/workshop I had attended. We were sat in a small circle of 11 people -- 5 participants of the workshop and 6 guests who had accepted our invitation to witness the graduation. There were a few other circles of graduates and guests all over the room. For the guests, as it turned out, witnessing the graduation actually meant EXPERIENCING the graduation, when one by one a graduate publicly appreciated her or his loved one(s).

Mum nodded and smiled wide as I appreciated her with the above words. She was happy to meet many of the other workshop participants whom I introduced to her. I was glad that on Sunday morning when I went to see her (she had been discharged from hospital the day before), she accepted my invitation to attend the graduation! How excited she was getting ready to be fetched by Nugget to go to the workshop venue! Well, she made my day by coming. I think I made hers, too.

Al fatihah for Brother WH

Just one-and-a-half months after Brother ATC left us, another schoolmate, Brother WH passed away due to heart attack on Saturday. Al fatihah...

About 20 schoolmates congregated again, this time to WH's house or grave. "This is getting too rapid (2 deaths in half a year)", brother AD said.

Brother WH is survived by his wife, three sons, one daughter and one grandchild. Fifteen years ago he had already undergone a heart bypass surgery -- the youngest person to undergo a bypass at IJN, one of the top heart centres in the country. The doctor had predicted he's good to live on to see his first grandchild. He did, thank God. We now pray for the best.

Us schoolmates will hold tahlil prayers this Thursday night, for the now 12 Brothers departed, and all others we loved who are now deceased.

While I mourn Brother WH's passing, I thank God that I am still alive. Alive enough to blow Father's Day candles on a cake from my Nugget and Becks. Princess is not around, but she'd make a card for me, too.

For my children, the song I play now, Daughters by John Mayer represents the joy of having them. (Turn on your computer speaker and click the play/pause button as you please.)

And I intend to still be alive, God willing. Just on Friday during lunch, friend SJ was recommending some multivitamins and supplements for just that -- to help keep being alive! I said to SJ that we should meet again and choose those supplements after medical check-ups I plan to do this coming week for Cin and I. With WH leaving us on Saturday, I told brother BAW that I will definitely confirm the appointment with the medical centre come Monday morning.

Life is sweet, life is precious, make every moment count.

The Big Five-O -- Part 2 -- The Surprise Birthday Party

Baloons, streamers, confetti, 50 candles lined from the front door to the birthday cakes on the dining table, the works!

One heck of a party. One heck of a surprise!

Cin, with family, relatives, friends and neighbours staged a complete surprise party for my birthday, on that Saturday afternoon, 19 May 2007 following my birthday on 14 May. They had planned weeks in advance! Cin and I were out "shopping" and lunch that afternoon while the rest were secretly preparing for the party at home.

When she was buying towels, I thought, "Towels? We have tons of towels at home. Why is she buying towels?" But I didn't fuss as I was busy fiddling with my new Nokia N73 (Yes! She had bought me an N73 on my birthday itself!), walking with her isles upon isles while she was "shopping." Then we had lunch with Y & F with daughter Maya who were very very late to arrive. They kept ordering the same dessert three times and after lunch they detoured me to a Perodua dealer to "look at the new Viva," all to delay my return home.

Arriving home after 3:00pm, I noticed two neighbours at the open gate who ushered me driving in. And there at the car porch was the happy birthday banner. "OK, OK, there must be a party inside," I thought. The sight of my two neighbours at the gate earlier had distracted me from noticing that many cars were parked outside, so when the front door was opened to shouts of happy birtday by dozens of relatives, friends and neigbours, streamers flying all over and party trumpets blaring, I got the full brunt of the surprise!

I was made to blow the 45 candles one by one lined up from the door, all the distance of 20 feet to the last 5 candles on the 2 huge cakes (one in the shape of number "5" and the other in the shape of number "0") on the dining table.

Y & F appeared soon, and there I had been, wondering why Maya came home with us in my car with her mummy having whispered something in her ear before she boarded my car. W & Holi came, too. The house was spilling over with dozens of friends, relatives and neighbours. The food by our next-door neighbour-caterer plus those brought over were sumptuous.

I was floored. Thank you, Cin and all, for the love. I am blessed. W on another day SMSed to me, "It takes a great man to surrender to love and not afraid of being loved."

Oh, music is back at this blog, after almost one-and-half years, so turn on your computer speaker if it's not already. Song playing: "Ready For Love" by Bad Company. Click the play/pause button here as you please:

 

The Big Five-O -- "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"

Today I celebrate my 50th. birthday!

Like in the last few birthdays, the first thing I will be doing in the morning is to visit my mother and present my birth-day gift to her. This time it will be something I bought for her in last week's trip to Mexico City that Cin and I made. Muchos gracias (much thanks) to my mum for giving birth to me!

50 is a nice number, really. In good health, thank God. Living to keep on making a difference.

A quote I like this time is, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." This was said by singer-songwriter Jackson Browne when interviewed in the Rolling Stone magazine's 40th anniversary issue. Bought the magazine while in transit in Los Angeles airport on the way home from Mexico a couple of days ago. The rockers and other 60's figures interviewed are aging but all have hope for the world. As Jackson further said in the interview:

If you're here, you're going to be part of what the world becomes. I don't have any confidence in surveillance systems or guards and the ways of preserving the disparity of wealth that I believe is at the heart of the right and the super-rich in this country. But the cataclysmic changes that we're staring at as a result of climate changes or famine or huge population migrations are going to lay them low too. They're in denial. They're asleep on the tracks and there's this train coming. It's in everybody's interest that we all wake up and address these things.

So to "be the change you wish to see" may be a very general thing to say, but it gives you hope. It makes you want to apply your beliefs that to do so will be significant. To imagine the world that you want to have is the most fundamental tonic we have, the thing that will produce the best food and the best art and the best solutions to the problems we're faced with.

The country celebrates her 50th. birthday, too, on 31st. August 2007. Us schoolmates have decided to have a re-union from 31st. August to 2nd. September in an east coast resort, and I have put up the idea that while we re-unite at age 50, we will also host orphans from a home near the resort. We are now working to make this happen.

Happy birthday to the nation and to all who celebrate 50 golden years of life!

Brother ATC

Pic: 157 of us, now minus 11

My schoolmate, Brother ATC died yesterday. Just a few months ago his wife's death due to cancer got much publicity as she was a famous singer, then he discovered his cancer, and now it's as if they are together. I'm devastated because although he was on morphine for the pain, we were still talking 7 days ago, but he deteriorated so fast and now he's gone!

I'm devastated because of the loss of a great friend. I am solemn because of the reminder about my transient presence on earth.

Like Brother Niza said,

"Time elapsed. 30+ years later, reaching 50, we regroup to see the beginning of the end. One by one of us has to end. Only time matters. Some took the lead and had to leave us earlier. Irrespective of status, wealth, affiliation, thinking; the end will come.

Alfatihah to Allahyarham ATC. May Allah bestow all the due blessings upon him and unto us who care to ponder the finality. And life has to go on.

Alfatihah to all our other colleagues too."